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RoAb #119 - It Hearse When I Go

Coming up on RoundAbout . . . how to deal with people that are following you.  We’ll show off the absolute worst way to transport a ladder, PLUS our panelists will play another game of A CAR BY ANY OTHER NAME. Add it all up and you simply cannot afford miss this week’s progrum.

Brought to you by and Advance Auto Parts

Play RoundAbout Episode 119

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Featuring: Al Vinikour, Chris Sawyer, Michelle Naranjo, Craig Cole and Ben Sanders

Video after the jump!

RoundAbout records LIVE on Fridays at 6:30PM ET/3:30PM PT. Visit and click Watch Live to watch our webcast and look in on all the antics.


Show Notes

What You Should Do if You Suspect a Car Is Following You
I’ve watched enough television shows to understand the possible danger in being followed by a strange vehicle for an excessive period of time. I’ve developed a safety plan to keep me and my family protected. The first thing I did was to set up interviews at a half-way house for former state prisoners convicted of a felony. I hired two of the most thuggish. Then I bought a 1962 Oldsmobile station wagon with a rear-facing third-row seat. If the felons, whom I’ll call Craig and Chris, observe any unusual activity that looks like cars following us, they let me know and I pull off to the side of the road. If the vehicle behind me does the same thing, Chris and Craig will pop open the door, run back to the car that was following us, tear open the leftside door, yank the driver out of his seat and then proceed to beat him (or her) within an inch of their lives.

Afterwards I usually take my two employees to a gas station where they attempt to wash the blood off their knuckles so they don’t smear any of it on the vehicle’s leather seats. Then we proceed on our way, secure in the knowledge that our safety has been preserved, no one was probably killed and that life is sweet once more.

Newt Gingrich: "You cannot put a gun rack in a Chevy Volt"
Forgetting that everyone doesn’t think _exactly_ like you think is not a good idea when running for any public office, especially President of the United States. Former Speaker-man, Newt Gingrich, took a shot at President Obama’s relationship with the auto industry last week by calling the Chevrolet Volt an “Obama-car” and followed that with the bold statement that “You cannot put a gun rack in a Chevy Volt.” Ooo, burn. That burned up one feller so much that he installed a makeshift gunrack in the back of his Chevy Volt. Was this a bleeding liberal going the way of the gun just to make a point? Nope! He is not only a fellow Republican to Newtsie, he is a FLORIDA Republican! Check your fly, Newt. I think that your chad is hanging out.

The Cars That Never Existed
Mostly out-of-date Fiat platforms sold to the Russians in exchange for the terrible, subpar steel that gave Fiats their reputation as cars that you could hear rusting in the showroom. Their stodgy handling and pathetic performance stole the spirit from what were, in their Italian guise, fun cars, and proved that Communism is truly Godless! However, the last car in this list looks like a Salvador Dali-esque nightmare built form leftover Chrysler parts in teh late 1980s.

This Is The Absolute Worst Way To Transport A Ladder
There’s dumb and then there’s DUMB -- an EPIC level of stupidity reserved for a select few.  It’s orders of magnitude beyond the cluelessness exhibited by your run-of-the-mill moron.  All too often these folks are allowed to drive, or worse, have children.  Today I present a prime example of the former.  A Nissan Altima owner was in a bit of a kosher dill, so to speak.  The person of indeterminate gender had to transport a super-sided ladder with said midsize sedan.  Rather than strapping the thing to the car’s roof -- or, God forbid, borrowing a pickup truck, the intrepid motorist passed the aluminum stepper through the Altima’s rear-window openings, leaving feet of ladder hanging out beyond the sides of the vehicle, hell, beyond the boundaries of the lane!  The last time borders were this disregarded was September of ‘39.  Just look at the rolling idiocy in the picture posted on Jalopnik.  When you think you’ve seen it all . . .

Masternaut Tells You When You're Driving Badly, Helps Save Gas
For years there’s been a move afoot to have driver’s habits micromanaged. And who is going to do it…the driver himself? What’s he going to do, go to a police station and say, “I’ve crossed a double-yellow three times and exceeded the speed limit at least six. Do you know what should happen to a person who’s honest enough to have that guilty of a conscience? He should die, that’s what. He’d probably apologize to the babe at Baskin-Robbins for spilling a sprinkle from his ice cream cone. The earth is too populated to set aside space for a nebbish like that to walk among us.

If I were to purchase a new car – let’s call it a 2012 Mercedes-Benz S550 – and it had devices in it to momentarily take control of my car from me and make sure my vehicle is sent back securely to my road lane and another device that tells me I’m driving too fast I’m all set for that. I will drive to the teacher’s parking lot at my old high school in Valparaiso, Indiana, and set fire to my $115,000 Mercedes sedan, thus ensuring the “big brother” devices have been destroyed, and then I would loan it to the shop class to completely rebuild my vehicle, sans the “looking over your shoulder” devices, and use it for ½ their grade for that semester.

Finally, I would track down the inventor of those devices, sneak into his house in the middle of the night and shove my old K-Bar knife I was issued in Fantasy Navy SEALs Camp so far into the back of his head that it comes out the front, looking to the world like Bill Haley’s spit curl. Those devices aren’t Terminators and I’m sure as hell not John Connor.

Talking your way into or out of a speeding ticket
In a rather long-winded manner, the HuffPo takes a shot at telling us that honesty is the best policy when trying to get out of a speeding ticket. By admitting guilt, a speed demon has a more likely chance of getting out of  a speeding ticket than they would by playing dumb or fibbing. After all - no one LIES to a police officer, right?) The theory is that a policeman is more likely to not be upset if you are truthful and you get off scott-free in many or most instances. I am not going to try and find out if this is true, or not.

1954 Mercury XM 800 Concept is retro-cool in execution, detail and design
No, it's not a satellite radio station. It's a dream car from 1954, back when Mercury had a future.  It has a 312 cubic inch V8 with 270 horsepower, barely enough to move this parade float at ramming speed. This XM 800 two-door hardtop has more chrome than Rhodesia, and a body made of fiberglass. However, production models would have used more steel in each one than all of the subcompacts built in a year today. Production? Yes, Benson Ford, then head of the Lincoln-Mercury division wanted it put into production. Had that happened, this characterful land yacht with its impressive "Dagmar" bumpers would have been and instant hit, and given Mercury one thing it never had: a chance.

70-mph mobility scooter on ice is one hot little rascal
A man in once-Great Britain has created the perfect getaway vehicle for Al so he can bust out of his group home.  This guy has plopped a 125cc motorcycle engine in the back of a mobility scooter!  Altogether, the package is good for more than 70 miles an hour!  This Rascal on steroids looks absolutely ridiculous zipping through the snow, drifting and doing donuts. Aside from the powertrain, this thing looks 100 percent stock, right down to those tiny, gray, non-marring tires.  Great news, Al!  They match your Hush Puppies!


Amazon Pick(s) of the Week

Al’s Customized Hernia Belt

One Dozen JUMBO Dinosaurs (up to six-inches long!)


A Car By Any Other Name

Round One
¡Salud! Castañeda

Round Two
Feldman Haberdasher vX.11

Round Three
GMC Terrain Cabriolet - Denali

Optional Tiebreaker Round
Orca Motor-Rickshaw Company Trumpeteer

RoundAbout Episode 119

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